I am Josh Wilks

As I sit on my couch (or should I say my aunt's sectional), punching these keys to put letters together to make words on Microsoft Word for my blog, nostalgia hits me. High School has came to an end for me. It is hard to fathom. I know many say they feel like they were just a freshman not too long ago and they are completely right. As things have turned out, four years is not a long time. Four years has felt like a flash really. I remember exact details of my first day of high school like it was this past morning, from what I was wearing to the people I met to Dr. Kenner telling me to pull up my black 511 Levis jeans off my butt. She got on me about that a few times while at Whitney. Always telling me about respect and not being a hoodlum. Since then, I kept a belt on me, some days my pants still sagged though. I’m sorry I can’t help it. But I specifically remember telling myself the night before my first day that I had plenty of time to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish in high school and that I should stay patient throughout. Zoop, fifteen minutes has passed and I've already walked across the stage at the Arie Crown Theater. 

My previous thoughts are exactly why writing this is that much harder. I can go on and on about random thoughts and memories experienced and enhanced from my time at Whitney Young. Truthfully, it hurts to reminisce, especially on my time in high school, as up and down as it seemed at times. I would not have wanted things to go any differently than they did. My many failed attempts to attract women (I’m probably 14-67, I stopped counting a while ago), staying up late at night the day before a test, project or essay was due to complete it and prepare for the next day, the social events I attended in and out of school, the social cycle and all the etceteras, I would not change them one bit. Dumping Livio Bolzon in a garbage can Sophomore year as well as that in-school for hitting a freshman with a wet roll of tissue (never found out that kid's name). I remember the homecoming dances and games, city championships for volleyball, soccer, basketball and even lacrosse. I remember the walk-out freshman year, having a new counselor almost every year and never noticing it because I visited so little. I was a mess during the Harlem Shake so I won't even bring that one up.

All of the aforementioned taught me something. Even if it turned out negative or against my favor, as long as I learned from them, I made it my business to extract a positive from every situation and outcome. I came to high school with the idea that I could start new and reinvent myself. In elementary school, I was a shy, nervous, soft kid who really kept to himself unless people I was really cool with were in my presence. Other than that, catch me sitting in the middle of the class, silent as water flowing, head buried in my studies. I got teased a bit, mostly about my big lips and my hygiene, and girls were not really into me. I felt like an outcast sometimes. Coming into high school, I had a plan. I wanted to become more social, more hygienic, more relaxed, basically the complete opposite of what I was in elementary school. For the most part, I succeeded. I never had a hard time meeting new friends. Most of my friendships started through my initiation. Saying “wassup” with a smile (towards a girl) or handshake (towards a guy) goes far. What stood out the most was my sense of humor and genuine nature. Making people laugh is the best way to change their moods. I liked brightening people’s day up. Although I am most known for my raunchy, out of the ordinary weird humor, it made people laugh nonetheless. One thing about me, I was never afraid of saying anything that I wanted to say or needed to say. From shooting a witty, sarcastic joke to actually giving someone a compliment, I knew how to make people smile and feel good. Sometimes people need it. 

From going through my own trials and tribulations, I don’t underestimate that. My home life was not good. From the start of my teens, I was always at odds with my mother (got put out a few times). The finances in my home were always tight as well. For a long time my mom has been unemployed due to injuries to her back and knees. I got clothes and shoes whenever my mom could afford them and although my family never starved, there were many days where my mom put her culinary skills to the test and put together scraps of scraps. I don't have a close relationship with my father. I don't have a car or license. I never lived in the best homes or environments, which is partially why I have moved 6 times in 6 years. There was never anything stable in my life. Two of my greatest fears growing up were me becoming a product of my environment or being calculated in the ensuing death statistics. Coming from Englewood, I was always on alert about potential trouble. Unfortunately, it was extremely hard to avoid it because it was everywhere. There aren't many recreation spots where I come from and while the school system is still out failing many of the people who come from where I come from, it is easy to get sucked into becoming a hustler or street thug or even worse, doing absolutely nothing. There were often times I felt outnumbered or came across guys who I knew had guns (which was everyday), I took detours home. My mom was always hesitant to let me go out sometimes because she was afraid something would happen to me. Even though it hindered a lot of potential fun I could have had, who knows how many times it also helped me avoid a bullet wound or head buried in concrete. The way things are in my neighborhood, I can't even blame my mom for any of that.

What made it hard about everything, was trying to keep everything concealed within me and going out within the world just like everyone else. I often felt less than everyone else, not because of the luxuries that people have that I don't, but because of the bare necessities I sometimes lacked, like having enough cash on me, clean clothes or not running out of deodorant and toothpaste. 

From talking to a few teachers and counselors, to writing about it in papers, to being open enough finally to tell a few select friends, my last few years in high school are known and they were hell. Here’s a summary: I was robbed at gunpoint on the first day of school Junior year after football practice for 50 cents and my busted cellphone. I was beaten up badly by a group of guys off of 79th and Halsted, a few blocks away from my home at the time. When things finally started looking up, my mom and I got a new apartment directly across the street from the lake. However, my home was broken into while I was using the bathroom. I remember my little sister panicking, knocking on the bathroom door to tell me somebody is trying to break in. We hid in that bathroom like children from Schindler's List. I became homeless (twice!), while dealing with the death of my grandfather and my mother becoming ill leaving me once again misplaced. I haven’t had the best of luck trying to stay alive and survive as you can see. It seems that trouble clings to my back. And it always seemed that once I started to get myself together, I got hit with another bad thing. It was hard to deal with too. Many nights were spent wondering if I would make it out alive in Chicago, what could happen to my mother or if I would live long enough to see my dreams come true. All were very much up in the air. I got hit with a lot of anxiety and for a while, was extremely depressed. It got to the point where I seriously contemplated dropping out of school and running away when I was staying in my sister's one room basement apartment. I had some of the saddest days of my life there, not her to blame though, more towards my current situation. I was always broke, never much to eat (on the 4th of July last year, I was alone and had nothing but a small package of mashed potatoes to eat, call me Oliver Negro, word to Charles Dickens) and I was still dealing with anxiety from all of my dangerous encounters. I often had dreams someone would sneak in on me and shoot me in the head. That's why I kept sleep to a minimum for a while For a short period of time, I sold loose cigarettes that a close friend smuggled from Indiana to me or items I took from trucks that corner stores used to restock. Whatever to put a little cash in my pocket. I feel bad about a lot of things I resorted to but life was not going the way I wanted it to.

Ultimately, I found myself living with my aunt, where I still stay at this moment. Things here are cool. My aunt has a nice home, she helps me with cash when I am in a bind and the neighborhood isn't too bad. But let me tell you about getting a crash course in adulthood. My aunt is in a high ranking position at her job so she works long hours (12-13 hours about 5-6 days a week). That means I am left to fend for myself when it comes to food and finding a means of entertainment. I've also gotten lectures for days that come out of the blue. As boring as they can get at times, I really appreciate them. One thing in particular my aunt said to me really opened my eyes. I was trying to stay home from school about a month ago and my aunt was trying to get me to go. My aunt being the workaholic she is, told me about how she goes to work in whatever condition she or the weather is in. Of course a lecture started but within this one she brought up something interesting. She said that she noticed that I lost my drive and motivation lately, that I was becoming complacent. And for some reason that hit me hard. She was right. Ever since I started going through turmoil, my driving force for success slowly dwindled. It became more about surviving than anything else. My lust for doing well in school became just doing good enough to pass. I loathed going to school or even having to go out often. I wrote about my college situation a while ago and rather than restating it I'd rather you go back and look a it. http://joshdeucewilks.blogspot.com/2013/05/college.html I went from elementary school valedictorian who promised himself he was headed to Georgetown or USC to not knowing where I am going to school even this being July. One thing for sure is that it won't be in Chicago.Sadly, this will probably be my last summer or stay in Chicago. My mom is planning to move to Champaign-Urbana, Illinois in the near future. Honestly, even though I don't want o leave Chicago, I don't want my mom or I in Englewood or any other flimsy house anymore. Plus, I know my mom is unhappy here. My mom has spent her whole life breaking her back to take care of my siblings and I. So that we can be happy. What kind of son would I be to deny my mom happiness? That's all I want to give her. It brings more sorrow to my heart that I have to leave my home and the people I have grew up with and developed friendships with. But then again, there was going to come that point in time where everyone would be leaving home for school and I'd still be at home with my mom (I decided to go to community college).

With all that said, right now, I find myself in a mentally stable state, with everything to look forward to and a more positive outlook on life. I owe it to my family, my friends and WY. One of my most reliable outlets when I felt down was going to school. There, I was able to get away from my life troubles. I know I kinda contradicted myself, but coming to school and being around other people was relief to me. I find it hard to sympathize with people who hate WY along with the people. Partially, it is because of where I came from, specifically the schools and neighborhoods. I feel if people had experienced what it was like to overachieve at an underpeforming school or come from a more humble beginning, they would have more positive opinions about the school. One thing I take pride in is not burning any bridges. There were people I didn't get along with or particularly like that well, but I kept a good mutual acquaintanceship with them. I made sure I always treated people with respect and took responsibility for things I did to them. The diversity aspect was something I really appreciated. Coming from predominately black schools made it hard at first to adjust to people of different race and cultures. But I am so grateful for it because my circle of friends has expanded greatly. I can actually say that if I see anyone in the streets, they would give me a genuine hello/what's up. Being around some of the people I have has humbled me and being under the tutelage of teachers like Mr. English, Mr. Johnson, Ms. Graf, Ms. Smith, Ms. Reist-Jones, Ms. Heeseman, Ms. Clotworthy and many others, really helped me feel like I was like any other student. There was no favoritism, unless it was towards me because I had a way of getting teachers to like me. 

At first, I was reluctant to tell anyone about what was going on with me; I wanted to avoid being judged and pitied. I felt beneath everyone else because I did not have my mom with me or a stable place to stay. In actuality, telling someone made everything better. I got help with school, my teachers let me make-up tons of work, I had ears to vent to whenever I felt down. And in the meantime I learned that many others have been through similar things as me and it felt nice that someone else could sympathize with what I was going through. The staff at WY is just so different from other schools. I have never had a principal care as much as Dr. Kenner. I personally got to sit down with her and talk and she helped me out with a lot of things. Not many heads take that type of time out of their way to do that and I greatly appreciate it. I also appreciate all my friends and family who understood what I going through and made it their goal to ensure I stay in school to graduate and have the best senior year I could possibly have. Thanks everyone.

Now, here I am, still writing this. I still can’t believe I graduated. It feels like not so long ago I was stepping through the glass building for the first time, now I will have to step int another educational institution for the firsttime. Truthfully, I was not ready to go. I wish I could be a fifth year senior who really does not have to go to any classes and just act like a wise hermit to all the underclassmen. Some of them need the guidance. However, I realize that me leaving WY is a necessary step to my life development. In terms of leaving Chicago and all my friends, I just have to make sure I make the most of it while I'm here. Instead of dwelling on what I will be missing, I have to apply everything I learned from there and apply it going forward. Typing these last few sentences is tough. I do not know how to end this. I did not want to end it. I have said all I needed to say. I shall get hit with the same nostalgia as before, and it will bring the same sweet memories every time that makes me confident that I have no more to accomplish in high school. I have to move on. Excuse me while I put on my big boy pants.

To end, I want to leave you with my man Terry's new song check it out. Be sure to be on the lookout for details on his upcoming show this Saturday too. Hell, let me go ahead and put up Flwless' new song too. Gotta put all my homies on, not just one. I'm out. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qD2B-ouNST4 Levels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4aCEn8MLjMA One Train (Flwamix)

Mother's Day

"I'LL ALWAYS LOVE MY MAMA, CUZ SHE'S MY FAVORITE GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLL" Truth if I ever heard it (sorry side dips). A little Intruders early in the a.m. keeps my soul healthy. Y'all don't know anything about this so don't even pretend. Today being Mother's Day has put me in the mood to listen to songs about moms. And in turn that makes me think about my mom.

I LOVE MY MAMA SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH AND IF YOU THINK YOU LOVE YOUR MAMA MORE THAN I LOVE MINE WE MIGHT HAVE TO THROW HANDS UNTIL THE DEATH. 

Alright, I had my moment. Back to the script. I really love my mom. I can't even explain it. It's one of those things that I think about and it's one of the most sure things in my life. I'm definitely not the only one who feels like that (hopefully) and it makes me even happier. I love when people appreciate their mother. Whether we want to believe it or not, having kids is an extremely hard job. Personally, I can footwork in the morning everyday at the fact that I don't have to give birth. If you've been in SexEd, you've seen the in-depth process at that and for that alone they mom's should receive props. I make sure to give my mom props everyday, whether it's a thank you for food she cooked or brought home, to buying me something and having it waiting on me when I get home (one of the best feelings) or just a hug just cause. What I really appreciate is when I'm in a slump, my mother would notice it instantly and remind me that I have a purpose and to stay up as I usually do. That's rejuvenation for me. My mother does it best.

For a little background on my mother Pamela Berry, she's from Alabama, Jefferson County I believe. She moved to Chicago when she was in grammar school, to the block of 67th and Carpenter (my mom and I actually live in the house directly in front of where her old home stood, which we also lived in when I was younger). My mom had 7 siblings, just 1 short of the amount I have. After the departure of the two oldest uncles, it was clear my mother already had motherly instincts in her. She watched over her younger siblings a lot, cooked, cleaned, and everything else. One story mom particularly tells all the time is when she was a teenager and my grandfather and grandmother left cookies on the table and told them to not eat them or they would be punished. My mother watched over those cookies closely while my grandparents were away, making sure none of her busybody younger siblings took one. My grandfather came home and punished all the older siblings including my mom anyway. His reasoning? The cookies were moved. My mom never got over that and honestly, it's a funny yet harsh story. 

Fast forward to my mom's senior year in high school. She gets pregnant with my oldest sister Sheree and soon gets married. That's when the legend of Pam began. My mom soon had 8 more kids, most within two year spans until you get toward my older brother and little sister. Yeah, we were a mess. From my brother Rashin hitting my brother Marciano with a hammer playing Power Rangers to my brother Matt framing me for a bathroom mishap by shitting on the floor and blaming me, we knew how to keep her busy. But oh believe me, my mother wasn't a pushover. She was a strict authoritarian parent. Whatever she demanded, had to be done, or there were swift consequences. There was no talking back, your opinion was often disregarded, and there were very high standards for the way we carried ourselves and school. Now that I think about it, I've said "Yes ma'am" more than I've ever said my name. We rarely were ever let off the block to go play in fear that we may fall victim to violence or abduction .The house always had to be clean as well. I remember times where my mom would call the house to check in on us and tell us she was coming home from work soon and we would get in a cleaning frenzy. We knew a dirty home was unacceptable to her and was a high crime. 

As much as my siblings and I despised the way things were, it made us, from my judgment, really good people. My mother was trying to raise us right. She was trying to instill respect, organization and righteousness in us. Growing up in Englewood, not many kids were as privileged to have a mother who cared as much as ours. None of us are in prison, addicted to drugs, bums, idle or dead. My brothers and sisters and I all know people who are in prison, homeless, in foster homes and/or are staying with relatives. I know the importance of having an active mom. Someone for care and comfort and to keep a foot in your ass every once in a while, only to keep you on the right path. My siblings and I really didn't have active fathers in our lives so all we had to depend on was ourselves and our mother. My mother played the dual parent role as well as anyone else. She would kick us in the chest then hand us a bag of frozen vegetables to take down the swelling. She was tough when she needed to and kind when we called for it. There was always a good equilibrium. 

Now I know that college is around the corner for seniors like me and tensions are getting a little high with that in mind. I always hear about how people can't wait to leave their homes, either to get a break from the respective parenting or just to start a new experience. I don't agree with that. Why are so many ready to away from the people who love them probably more than anyone else? Do you really have a grudge because your mom made you stay crib-bound on the nights of a few parties, or didn't get you that one thing you wanted or got on you about a sub-par grade you got when you knew you were getting your crap together? Look guys, I understand that parents can be pretty overprotective, unreasonable, tormenting, and a bunch of other adjectives that I don't feel like writing. But also understand, that they won't be here forever. You have to love and appreciate the people you care about while they are here because you won't always have the chance to, too many people take that for granted. In today's society, a mom can be kissing her son or daughter on the forehead/cheek for the last time and wouldn't know it. Hell, you could be kissed by your mom for the last time and wouldn't know it. Ponder that. Using the violence in Chicago and other violent cities along with the Sandy Hook incident as images, you will never know when the physical presence of a loved one will be missing. I remember my friend Layton telling me about how his mom died when he was little and how it affected his attitude towards a lot of things. Then it made me think about all my other friends who lost their mother or have had their mothers strung out on drugs. It's disheartening. I can't ever imagine myself without my mother and it brings me to tears that one day she will leave me. Almost unfair.

While we always seem to focus on how they give us grief, let's not forget the happiness and smiles they are responsible for. Those Christmas gifts that you thought they would never buy you but they got you. Those birthday presents that were waiting for you when you got home from school along with a personalized cake and you favorite meal. Those times where you were upset or hurt and your parents swooped in to the rescue faster than the man who's a speeding bullet himself. I remember one time I was in the backyard playing catch with some of my friends and a ball hit me right in the mouth. Blood was everywhere. Of course I went crying to my mom, it was only right. My mom saw me in distress and grabbed whatever cloth was near her, which just so happened to be one of her favorite shirts. My mom used her favorite shirt to clean gushing blood from my mouth, that's love for sure. I still have that bent back tooth from that day and when I brush my teeth, it serves as a constant reminder of her sacrificing something she cherished for me. 

Think about those times where you were in huge jams that almost seemed unshakable, to you of course. The OG's always know a way. It may seem like they don't see your side of things, it's really that through their experience, they are just trying to show you something that is proven to work. My mom knows how to work almost any situation until it is in my favor. When I get in trouble, my mom would take my side and go for bat for me until she couldn't anymore. My mom made sure I was taken care of and I got what I deserved, whether it was a prize or an ass beating. On my 8th grade graduation day, it was unclear whether I was going to be the valedictorian because I was disciplined by the school a lot that year even though my grades were the best. My mom went down to the school early and caused a huge commotion in the office until she got someone to tell her whether I got the honor or not. My mom left angry, she came back with a sneaky smile. I came back with a big ass trophy. Owe it to my mom.

Moms generally want you to have the best in life, I know for sure my mom does. My mom always told me when I was little I was one of the few people who could do anything I wanted to, if I wanted to do it. She also told me numerous times that I would take care of her when I got older because I would have plenty of money. The fact that she has so much faith in me just wants me to never quit. That along with my intrinsic motivation within will never allow me to be inadequate and just somebody else. I have to maximize whatever I have in me so that when I get older I can actually take care of her better than she did for me, hard as that sounds because I don't think what I can do for her can equal what she did for me. In relation to my blog yesterday about my college process, you can now understand how I feel. I don't want to disappoint my mother. It seemed for a while all that she done for me and taught me was in vain because my future wasn't exactly what we both expected. Then it made me reminisce. My mother had hopes and dreams, just like everyone else. She gave those up or altered them when she had nine kids, while she was very well still one, although quite mature then. My mother didn't work long, hard, crap jobs for almost 30 years to not see me become what she worked even longer and harder to craft. I told my mom when I was five I wanted to rule the world and at 18 I still want to do exactly that. It's only fair that I do that, for all that she has done, fought through and done for me.

To close, even though me and my mom haven't had the best relationship throughout our lives, I wouldn't ask for one any different. She raised me to be an honorable, respectful, handsome, intelligent young man I present myself everyday. For that I am forever grateful. Now, I'm not telling you that you have to love your mother because I don't know everyone's situation. I understand that sometime's blood is just blood and nothing more. But in the respect of today, love her anyway. Treat her like the queen she truly is. I'm not gonna hit you with the "Why isn't everyday Mother's Day" but I will say if my future goes as planned, everyday I live will be dedicated to her. Love you ma! I now leave you with musical selections regarding what else? Mothers. Also, for everyone who sent me pics, I will take you back memory lane. Stay classy.

 

Billy Fountain and His Mom

Caitlin O'Hara and Her Mom

Asia Williams and Her Mom/Grandma

Erica Lee and Her Mom

Brandon Doby and His Mom

Sukari Stone and Her Mom

Iliana Elias and Her Mom

Philip Gordon II and His Mom

Chris Rodriguez and His Mom

Jazmine Colquitt and Her Mom

Alex Smith and His Mom

Khalid El-Amin and His Mom Dr. Muhammad

Nick Fisher and His Mom

Michaela Kiersch and Her Mom

Erik Randall and His Mom

Carter Coates and His Mom

Jillian Fuller and Her Mom

Talia Grace-Koylass and Her Mom

My sister Marquita with her son Christian

Jarea Seabrooks and her Mom

Me and My Mom

My sister Clifvette and her daughter Makayla

Gwen Pepin and Her Mom

Vivian Li and Her Mom

College

Wow, it's been a while since I made a post. I know I said I was gonna make a post every week but I got a little preoccupied with a lot of things. My apologies. I'm back now. My topic today is COLLEGE. *cues music* DUN DUNDUNDUN DUNDUNNNNNNN DUN DUNDUN DUNDUNNNNNNNNNN DUNNNNNDUNNNNDUNNNN DUNNNNNDUNNNN DUNNNNNNNN. College, for some people, is the next developmental stage in both your education, as you are sure to broaden your horizons of learning and your life, as you are getting more mature and independent, getting ready to be lone wolf in the wild.

May 1st was the deadline most students were given to make their admission deposits to secure their spot in a college/university. Many people were extremely excited to share what university they chose and how they can't wait to be there and others around them rejoiced with equable emotion. For me, that deadline came and passed like any other day. I didn't pick a college. Honestly, I couldn't pick a college. While other people  are looking for roommates and are picking classes and going on orientations for their selected schools, I'm doing something that isn't that. And personally, I felt left out. I was looking forward to being able to pick a college and join in on all the fun like everyone else, but I couldn't and for a while it hurt a lot.

Now to answer "Why was I not able to pick a college?". I'll take your through my entire college process. Truthfully, I didn't have an organized college process. I remember my junior year all I heard from my counselors and teachers was to do research on schools and visit schools and ask questions to get a head start on the process. I did the very minimum on each, not going thoroughly in-depth into every school that interested me to get a better glimpse if fit me. When it came down to picking colleges, I feel victim to the "name-brand" generalization. A few of the schools I applied to were top notch universities (Georgetown, Cal-Berkeley, USC, UCLA (just in case I didn't get into USC) and I feel like an absolute goofy for applying to each. I didn't get into any of them. Not only did it not occur to me that those four are extremely hard to get into (Cal-Berkeley and UCLA are two of the hardest public universities to get into for an out-of-state resident). Georgetown and USC are by far my favorite schools and still are. I feel in love with Georgetown through their basketball team, coached by legendary John Thompson, Jr (now coached by his son JTIII). My sister Marquita was a huge basketball fan, especially college basketball. We watched many games together, mostly during tournament time and it was evident early that I feel in love with the Hoyas. From there, I fell in love with everything else about GTown, the culture, academics, history, the fact that they are almost a direct pipeline to the FBI (I always wanted to shoot someone in the butt and just flash my badass badge). Almost the same story with USC. I fell in love with their football team and especially Pete Carroll, the then-time coach who not only brought lots of success to the program but helped out young black men in the South Central LA district and I admired that. As I look deep into my heart however, I notice that I mostly applied to these schools I had no chance at because they were in far away places I wanted to be in (California and Washington, D.C.) and I wanted to see if one school would take a chance on a struggling, upcoming, young, black male from Englewood (aka affirmative action GASPS). Yeah yeah yeah. Label me ignorant, opportunistic, and silly but I would not have cared for your opinion of what you thought was right if one of those schools did roll the dice with me and accept me. I know the type of person I am and so do many of you. I know I could make myself worthy of being in a such a position. But back to reality, the cards didn't shake out that way.

With every other school I applied to, I believe University of Illinois-Champaign-Urbana was the only school I wanted to go to and even then, my mother wanted me to apply their because my sister lives in Urbana and is getting her Ph.D. once she finishes and defends her thesis in months to come. I've been on the campus numerous times, almost like I live there since I visit my sister often. Even then, I applied to their business school because that's what I want to major in and UIUC has a good business program. My mistake here was "good" wasn't the right word to describe it. It was "phenomenal". Little do people know UofI has the 14th best Business school in the entire nation according to one poll, better than most Ivy League schools. I didn't know that and I was shot down into a school I know I easily could've gotten into had I not applied to the business program. This was huge because UIUC was my fallback school. I made the mistake of not applying to any school in Chicago because I didn't want to be so close to home. What about the remaining schools you guys ask? Well, I only applied to schools that were offering merit-scholarships and free application fees. My family was going through a little financial trouble and another significant event (I'll let you guys know about it in a blog during the last week of school). I didn't want to pile up a bunch of fees on my mother and older siblings, so I just made it easy and applied to a lot of schools that waived application fees. All of those schools accepted me. All gave me scholarships as well. As successful as that sounds, it was just as heartbreaking. I'll take you down the list.

Drexel-$32,000 in scholarships and grants ($65,000 in tuition+room and board)
Howard-$10,000 in scholarships and grants ($45,000 in tuition not including room and board)
Butler-$25,000 in scholarships and grants ($49,000 in tuition not including room and board)
Dayton-$27,000 in scholarships and grants ($46,000 in tuition not including room and board)
Xavier-$30,000 in scholarships and grants ($44,000 in tuition not including room and board)
Indiana U-accepted me but did not notify me of financial reward online or through mail so they get the double middle fingers

So, on average, I was gonna be $100,000 in debt by the time I finished a 4-year degree in college not accounting if I wanted to pursue graduate school. I understand that very few people leave college without any debt but without being assured a job once I completed school and considering I didn't feel strong about any of those schools, it would be foolish of me to take on that much debt and possibly be unhappy.

Now you ask "Why didn't you apply for any scholarships?" Your better off making a judgement for yourself than asking me because I don't know. I messed up their. Had I been proactive in this department, a lot of the debt I was recently worried about could've dwindled significantly. I've been dealing with a lot this year, from family issues to personal issues to not tweaking in school so I can graduate. Applying for scholarships just didn't enter my mind. That's not an excuse though. Regardless of what I was going through, I should have been applying for every scholarship I qualified for. Shit is real out here.

April 30th and May 1st were probably the two of the three most stressful days of 2013 for me. Surrounded by so much instability and uncertainty, other than having to go to school those days, you were sure to find me sitting on the couch with a disappointed face. I've spoken to many on the topic, most telling me to do what's best for me which doesn't help any because I don't know what to do. Then there are the people who want me to go off and disregard the debt and get a new surrounding. Then you have those headed by my mom who wants me to stay home and go to community college.

The fact that things have gotten to the point where community college and staying at home was my best option hit me hard. I know I didn't mess up in school to where I had to and I know I worked way too hard to where that was the best I could do. To be honest, my view of community college wasn't positive, I stereotyped the people that went there unfairly. It's just, how could I tell people I'm going to community college when there are people going to Ivy Leagues, Howard, Northwestern, UIUC, NYU, USC and etc. I ran into my ex-girlfriend one day (who got into UofChicago, Yale, Brown, Princeton  UPenn and Harvard) and asked her what school she's going to. She told me Brown, an Ivy League school. Before she could ask me where I was going, I got the hell out of dodge. I instantly felt below her. How could I show my face? How could I have any credibility? While other people are going away and getting the full college experience, I'll basically be in the same spot.

What disappoints me the most is that I won't be getting away like I hoped. Right now, things are crazy in Chicago. There violence is spiraling and it is claiming the lives of many youth, most recently 19 year old Kevin Ambrose (RIP). Negative thoughts filled my brain, such as if I will ever see success, will I be a failure, did I disappoint my family, will I make it to 21. I also thought about how my mother is moving to Urbana, Illinois and wants me to join her. Even after all I said about Chicago's violence, crime and Englewood's poverty and destruction, this is my home. I would not have wanted to grow up any other way than how I did. I grew up humbly and in a dangerous environment, but I cherish every experience that I have and lesson I learned while living the way I have. In retrospect, it wasn't even too bad. The problem now is not having my mother see me in mahogany. Of course, the move from Chicago will stop that from happening, but it will also take me from Chicago. Chicago is still very much a beautiful and entertaining place and I'm just not ready to leave, even with my life on the line. I have no say in when I die and I've been through experiences that make me not afraid to come across it. If I gotta die, so be it, but I won't die afraid. Not in my city, not in my home.

After much meditation, lone walks, thought, talk with friends and family, and lots of pick-up basketball, I find myself in a much better state than a week ago. I feel much more relaxed, healthy mindset, the one I was in before things piled up on me. I've accepted things I couldn't change and things look more clearer. I have decided to go to community college and I won't be ashamed of it. It's extremely cheap, I'll still be doing something with myself and if I grind like I plan to, I should be in the college of my choice in two years with an Associate's degree in my possession. I spent so much time judging myself compared to others that it was getting me down. I have to realize that I can still go where I want and be what I want, I'm just taking an alternate route. Sucks I'm not super athletic or have musical talent because I guarantee you you'd see me doing that as opposed to still being in school. But that's not how it is. Going to school is my way to the top. That's how I'll be on the top floor of a building in a suit with a glass of Hennessy and a cigar looking out into the city. I just have to stay focused and never get discouraged. I know in time, I'll get there.

Now for you underclassmen here's a guide to not be put in the same situation as me

1. Keep good grades.

Don't tweak. Turn in those projects. Do homework. Actually READ books. Be prepared. Don't foop on tests. I can't be any more clear. And it's not that hard, trust me, I been through it.

2. Research!

Obviously my biggest mistake of the college process. Before deciding on a school to apply to, research it. Analyze (Ode to Ms. Graf how I miss you so!) Look at whether it is public or private. How many students go there? What majors does it offer? What city/state is it in? Do research on that city/state. Is it safe? Is it an affordable place to live once you finish school? The economics? Job? Is it diverse? Hit up students who go there on social media sites to see how they like it and an insider to how classes are instructed, what is expected and the culture around the university/college. Know what you are getting into. 

3. Visit schools

I didn't have the luxury of visiting a lot of schools but I wish I had. On days off, free weekends or during seasonal breaks, go on college visits. No better way to get an answer than from the source. Get a glimpse of the environment, sit in a class, talk to students and graduates up close. Take in the scenery. Get first-hand experience. Look at the dorms. Does it look feel like a place you wanna spend four years at?

4. Visit you counselors often

I visited my counselor Ms. Welstein almost twice a week. She answered my every question, helped me out when I was lost, let me in on scholarship opportunities and seminars on FAFSA, college visits, whatever. She was extremely helpful to me during my college process and I'm sure others feel the same about their counselors. They are there for a reason.

5. Adhere to deadlines

If a college gives you a Nov 1st or January 15th deadline, make sure your app is done by then. I know it is easy to get lackadaisical and procrastinate because you think you have ample time to complete it. But just like that English paper or Biology project you forgot about, it's due and you gotta get it done. Word of advice, have your app done weeks in advance, with transcripts and ACT/SAT scores sent in advance so there is no worry. You don't want to miss out on a school because you ran out of time.

6. Apply to scholarships

Everyone could use a little money, even if you have enough already. More doesn't hurt. Not many people get full rides to college and if you are one of the lucky few who do/did, congratulations. To everyone else, start looking for ways to pay for college. Want to know what's better than spending YOUR money? Spending other people's money of course. Take advantage of every opportunity out there for you to be as less financially stressed as you can possibly be while you attend college and get closer to your career. 

7. Don't be anxious

While you are waiting for admittance letters, remember you still have other things to do like live. So you can take your hand out the mailbox and go ride a bike or something.

8. Admittance/Rejection

Probably one of the most rewarding or disappointing moments of the college process: finding out whether you got in your dream school or not. I'll let you in on something. Usually, if you got into a school, you'll get a packet with your letter of admittance, financial info, booklet, deposit statement etc. If you just get a flimsy letter, be ready to toss it. In the case of rejection, remember, that's just one school, and no matter how you felt about it, you will have other options. Chill.

9. Weigh everything out

Once you have your acceptances, weigh your options. Rank them. Make a Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet with tuition costs and scholarships broken down to a science to get a better visual. Which do you feel the strongest about? Which do your parents feel safer about you attending. Which is cheaper? Unfortunately, the latter is usually the determiner. But I believe in making the right choice for yourself. If you don't mind a little debt and you're confident your career will help you pay it off, shoot.

10. Make your decision and be proud

If you are going to your dream school, rejoice. If you aren't but you're still going to a school, still rejoice. Don't feel bad because someone is going to Harvard and you're going to IIT. Them going to Harvard doesn't guarantee them a more successful career, a better job (or an assured one at that), a better looking spouse, nothing. Wherever someone starts doesn't necessarily mean they will stay there either. Worry about yourself and be proud. You've made it a long way and it's going to pay off soon. Keep chuggin' along. 

11. TURNAHHHHHHHH!

Welp, I've gotten all I've got to say out. I now leave you with a couple songs from my homies Terry Johnson (UIC man), Jakori and Alex Smith and Flwaless. Enjoy and thank you. 

https://soundcloud.com/novathegod773/up-in-the-air-nova-the-god-ft

https://soundcloud.com/the-guy-sharp

Stress, Worry, Grief, and Misfortunes

It's been a while since I last made a post, sorry everyone. Honestly, I forgot I even had a blog until I went to make a post for my Philosophy class. Took me by surprise. I sat and stared at the page for a while deciding whether I want to make a post or not. I really wanted to say screw it and keep neglecting it. But something told me to write. Don't know what it was, but it made me click the new post button and here I am.

As I look back, I have been fighting a slump lately. A lot of things haven't swung in my favor like I thought they would. From dealing with the almost never-ending college process (acceptances, denials, waiting anxiously for financial aid letters), to trying to finish out high school strong, dealing with my family life at the moment all the way to just dealing with personal issues. It seems I've been in a boxing match for a month, taking constant jabs, ducking and dodging, throwing counter-punches every now and then. It's starting to wear on me. That's not normal either, because usually I shake 500lb gorillas off my back like loose dirt, but this one has been hanging on longer than I wanted to do. Probably be the actual reason my back is actually in pain, this shit isn't fun.

With there being so much uncertainty around me, mostly a big change occurring at home, it has caused me to not be me lately. I feel I haven't been natural and thoughts have started to take place of actions. OH NOOOOOOOOO! I'm contradicting myself. As I described in one of my earlier blogs "Just Do It" (check my archives), I'm a doer. Being inactive and idle is not me. But I've found myself exactly that way for a while. The stress is immense. I've had more headaches, late nights, inflicted with illness and day naps this year than I've had the past two years combined.  

For so long I've thought that there was nothing that could possibly get me down. I forgot I was human. This is coming from the guy who still daydreams about being CF or SS for the Seattle Mariners (Ken Griffey, Jr. and Alex Rodriguez were my favorite baseball players growing up). I haven't played baseball since grammar school. Yeah, I'm pretty unrealistic. How could I ever think I was immune to being stressed out, overthinking, grief and disappointment? I think that I am so strong mentally that I can withstand anything, but things like come about and I'm having a hard time shaking it. I'm a strong optimist, but lately it seems I have been forcing myself to smile and exude happiness even when it isn't the case. And truthfully, it makes me feel even worse sometimes. Putting on a false act to hide how I truly am feeling inside is torturing myself. But I've always held my feelings in or not shown them. I don't like to show any weakness or let anyone know I'm down. My motto has always been to move forward and whatever that's behind me is supposed to stay there. But in this instance, I've been getting beat.

One thing that has stayed true to myself is my ability to keep my head up and adjust. I don't think there are many people who are as good at adjusting to a situation than me. I never stay down for two long, that's what power optimism, lots of experience, and intrinsic motivation comes into play. While I've spent so much time talking about how down I've been, I've actually been doing a good job keeping my vibes and mood pleasurable. To combat my slump, I've gotten out my house more, started being more active (lots of basketball and soccer), watching sports highlights, playing my Xbox (haven't touched my Xbox in almost a year), I cook breakfast every morning, listen to music that not matches my mood but lifts it. Also, as eerie as this sounds, what helped me the most wasn't venting or getting out and occupying myself, but watching childhood cartoons. I've watched so much Winnie the Pooh, DragonBall Z, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, etc. It put me back in touch with my younger self, when I had no worries and was ignorant of many of the issues I face daily. It made me think about how this was my daily life, idolizing fictional characters and fiending for memorabilia to bring myself closer to them. I had every Winnie the Pooh VHS as a child and I watched them over and over and over. As I indulged into my childhood, I noticed that a lot of my problems were feeling less drastic. It felt like a cleansing, an exorcism. And it was exactly what I needed. My smiles and happiness don't feel forced anymore, they're true to how I'm feeling. And it feels good. I'm your goofy neighborhood friend Joshua Jondale Wilks again. *shoulder leans*

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not completely rid of what I'm going through at the moment, I just found a healthy equilibrium to where I can live without my problems affecting what I want to accomplish. My mind has developed a stronger mental block for anything that isn't positive. Everything that should be forgotten, is forgotten. I now longer feel weighed down by anxiety, uncertainty or misfortune. I understand fully now that it's nothing to feel down about. Just have to recognize it, let myself divulge in my feelings for a bit, then turn the tables around and keep climbing that mountain. So far, so conquered.

Judging from my experiences, the best way to combat slumps, bad moods, disappointment and sudden changes, are to allow yourself to be human at first, then Hercules that shit and stand on top. No one is strong enough to lift the heaviest weight nor deal with the worst situation. It's cool to be down for a bit. Even Spartan warriors shed tears. The key is, to not let what's going bad keep you from noticing what's good. As I think about my situation, I'm not homeless, dying, hungry, or unloved. I have everything to live for. No reason to feel down. Real men never go down, they just stay up. It's what I live by. As always I leave you with music. Enjoy.

State of Hip-Hop/Rap Music Address

This morning at about 8:54 marks the 16th time this past week I've heard Future and Rihanna's "Love" song on the radio while I went up the street to get my hair cut. Now I didn't drive to my barbershop which is only two blocks away, I walked. But as I walked, I heard the song on the radio. A headache then came about me. Yeah I'm sick of hearing Future spelling out L-O-V-E like I didn't go to kindergarten and watch ENDLESS hours of Barney, Winnie the Pooh and Sesame Street when I was younger. We get it man, we know exactly what you want. Why do I have to keep being tortured? I really don't even like the song, but it's been drilled into me so much I know every lyric and when the snare kicks in at an exact second.And the song has been out for a few months. I'm surprised it's still getting airplay. I'm sure there is some other Rick Ross, French Montana, Future or Rihanna song that's about to come out and needs to be played over and over until my brain oozes out like creamy peanut butter.

I don't hate the radio. I actually love the radio, when select songs are played of course. Those days when they play old cuts like 01' Luda, some old school Kellz (R. Kelly for you who aren't hip to the game) or occasionally some Hov from the Blueprint. I remember one night WGCI played nothing but Kanye West, from College Dropout on, focusing more on his past works. That was a great refresher. Having the opportunity to listen to music from my childhood makes me that much closer to myself in my earlier ages. People older probably feel the same way reminiscing Pac and Big, Prince, The O'Jay's, Michael Jackson, Marvin Gaye etc. Satellite radio is personally my favorite because it isn't as censored. I can actually hear the music as it was made, explicit and all. I'm not a fiend for hearing curse words and nasty lyrics but it gives the music more meaning and more powerful, as long as it isn't done unnecessarily. But imagine hearing a 2Pac song censored, you might as well listen to a Barney sing-a-long. Also the artists are much more diverse. On the Hip-Hop/Rap radio, you can hear more than the people you see on MTV and BET. But more independent artists, Dom Kennedy, Curren$y, Schoolboy Q, Ab-Soul, Big K.R.I.T. are some of my favorites. And it's not just their popular stuff, but more of their songs that go unnoticed but is just as good. Little people know that Jay-Z's Allure is every bit as good as Encore or that In Cold Blood (Rick Ross off Deeper than Rap) is better than BMF. I went on a driving lesson with my brother and on our way to the range, Reasonable Doubt was being played. Screw learning how to drive, give me a glass of Hen and a Cubano and let me chill. It was bliss.

Now let me actually dig into the topic. A constant discussion about music nowadays is either how mainstream everything is, how artists have changed since getting noticed and how music is affecting people and influencing in the wrong way, especially the hood. Let's attack each.

In my opinion, I don't view music as mainstream and other as most do. Yes, there is music that is known more than other and is seen as "dominant". But, music is music. It's all in the hands of the people. The people determine the success of an artist and their work. If the people don't like what the artist puts out, then that artist can't eat. If the people like the music, and in this case, a lot of people, then you see how a lot is in place how it is now. Constant radio play and rotation, television takeover, and all of the other amenities. But you can't blame the artist for being mainstream. If their music is what the people like, and the people that like the music also happen to outnumber those who don't, unfortunately, that music is what you are going to get. And let's go ahead and kill this new trend of not liking "mainstream" music and thinking you're being different. Naw, you're just being goofy. Because like I said, music is music. Either you're going to like it or not. Just so happens when the power is shifted one way, it's a big factor in what you hear when you tune into the airwaves.

In terms of an artist going mainstream, is quite similar to the above. While a lot of artists say that they stay true to themselves, they are quite swayed by their fans. Let's use Wiz Khalifa and Kaye West as examples.

Back in the day, like 07, could you believe that Wiz Khalifa didn't have a tattoo or smoke weed? It's true. He had an independent album named Show and Prove (which flunked) where he discussed it and on the album cover you saw his skin was inkless (he did in fact sport a 4XL black tee though). However, it wasn't until Wiz made singles such as "Ink My Whole Body" (how ironic), Say Yeah, and Make it Hot, he started a transformation. Buddy started smoking more weed than dealers could sell and you couldn't find a blank space of skin on him. Almost like he's zebra. While that sounds like disaster, it turned Wiz into a star a started a trend. Think about all the skinny light-skinned guys who got tattoo sleeves, with snapbacks, fitted jeans and Rayban glasses. Then when Wiz got the colored stripe in his afro, ah man, it was an epidemic. All I saw were guys with blonde/red strips in their hair with skinny jeans, and Chuck Taylors.

Now let's jump into Yeezy's story. The man was a longtime beat maker before he even had the courage to jump in front of a mic. He produced numerous hits for Jay-Z, Common, Cam'Ron, The Game and others not to mention himself. It wasn't until 2004 he released his first album College Dropout and a year later Late Registration, both classics. In those albums, he touched on more inner and social topics, such as destruction in Africa (Diamonds from Sierra Leone), gold-digging (Kanye's New Workout Plan and Golddigger), triumph (Through the Wire) and struggle (All Falls Down, Jesus Walks, and Heard Em Say). Back then, Ye was known as the Louis Vuitton Don who was known to sport a little Ralph Lauren too. Graduation was an album of Kanye coming into his own, recognizing his success and all the hard work it took to get there with a little celebration and release. However, when his mother died and a nasty breakup with his fiancee, Kanye began transforming into the person he is now. Mason Martin Margiela, Givenchy, Yves Saint Laurent, Audemars Piguet and a bunch of other high end designer clothing I can't spell. As his money increased, the content of his music changed. It became more fitting of the braggadocio style, with the exception of 808's and Heartbreak and select songs (or all, it's about how you view em') on MBDTF (My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy). Today, you can spot Yeezy driving the finest foreign automobiles, eating anywhere with a $25 appetizer and saving hoes, one day at a time (Yeah you Kim). And he's sure to let you know about all this too.

Many see the two as disappointing and both wasting their potential. I don't. Understand, Yeezy, Wiz Khalifa, or any other artists you may deem as changing or more common going "mainstream" are simply exercising their right to do what they want to. That's legal right? These are grown-ups we are talking about. They will do as they see pleasing. In terms of music, I think diversity is important as anything else in the industry. If you can't switch things up every once in a while, you can't survive, simple natural selection theory put in place. And is natural selection ever so present in music. Too many artists disappear during times where it seems they are hitting an upstart. Why? I don't really know. If you develop a strong fanbase, that fanbase should carry you to where you want to go. But sometimes you also have to adjust yourself to altering situations and the music game changes every so often and the demands of the people also change and need to be met. Those who can't adjust, don't survive. Going back to Kanye, the man is worth $50 million now he can't go back to his old self. Yeah he can still dig deep into his memories of being a broke boy working at GAP and not being able to afford KFC buckets, being that's kinda exhausted already. He's in a new chapter in his life and to me personally, his music now isn't bad and still quite in sync with how he was back then. He still touches on a few issues like he did in College Dropout and Late Registration, just not as often. With Wiz turning into Cruella De Vil and marrying Mr. Clean's ex-squeeze (Amber Rose), I have no thoughts.

On to controversy. This particular topic is mainly about the rap game today and how it is affecting the youth. Instantly, when this comes up Flocka, Chief Keef and associates, Gucci Mane, Young Jeezy, and 2Pac are brought up. Their songs feature a lot of the lifestyle within hoods across America. The drilling, drug dealing, testosterone pounding, drug munching, poverty, struggle and all the etc with a little killing thrown in on occasion. With homicides, violence and crimes escalating year after year, especially in Chicago which is home to Keef, Lil Reese, Lil Durk, and King Louie, much blame is put on the people whose music content is composed of such. I don't think it's fair nor truth. Although I don't condone anything that artists such as them say in their music, it isn't their fault that things are the way it is now. Chief Keef is barely 17, Chicago had the same issues now as it did when he was still shitting himself. Is his music polluting the minds of youth in the city with corruption and false realities, possibly, but the extent of what his music does is on that specific person. They certainly aren't commanding black males to shoot people, smoke excess amounts weed, consume MDMA and not respect women. I listen to lots of rap music with controversial content and I'm a pretty decent young man if I say so myself. There are others just like me who listen to music like I just mentioned and it's left at just that, music we listen to and enjoy. It is up to each individual person as to what effect the music will have on them. There are definitely lots of weak-minded individuals out here that will take music like that seriously and go out and do drastic things, but that's only a minority and little can be done to stop it. (My neighbor and friend Josh Davis was killed a while ago for wearing a RIP Lil JoJo hoodie, who was a close friend of his, and was supposedly killed by someone in Chief Keef's corner).

All in all, music is just something that is supposed to make us feel a certain way and entertain us. It isn't supposed to be taken so seriously. My fellow Americans, yes the rap game is fucked up. But believe me when I say that there is hope in everything (Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole, Big K.R.I.T. just to name a few). The process of reconstruction starts soon. It won't be long until good days come back. End. Check out the music in the end.