Wow, it's really been a year since I touched my blog. Like, I'm hit with a brick of nostalgia. I remember being in high school and being up at about 7am every Saturday morning and spending hours trying to compile the best coherent thoughts together while listening to music. Such a long time ago. I literally had to reread every post I made just to see the progression I've made over time. I've had some posts that were complete bs, trust me. But others I will have to admit were gold. I'm a firm believer in "modesty is honesty", but I know when Mark Twain crawled out the grave and palmed my brain synching his cunning wit and humor to me so that I could write a nice piece.
Anyway, not to ramble on too much, it's a little past 2 a.m. and I'm in wind down time after work. I usually get off at 11 p.m. feeling dead tired enough that I'd lay on my bed with my pants hanging to my knees with my shoes still in underwear completely visible. Note that I will usually still have my work uniform on too. That's how I feel after an 8 and a half hour shift. But I can never sleep, I'm always spending hours on Twitter, Facebook, iTunes or watching Sportscenter catching up on all the highlights I missed out on during the day. Well, tonight, I'm going to break from the usual. I'm going to go back to doing the one thing that brought me peace and serenity, blogging and expressing myself.
I decided to dedicate this blog to my year away from home. My year from home is a lot different a lot of you guy's year away though. I wasn't necessarily spending my time enjoying the luxurious freedoms and incentives of being on a college campus. I spent my year at basically my second home in Champaign-Urbana, Illinois, in the countryside be that. A much different scene from the city. I go from hearing helicopters and sirens and ruckus at all hours of the day to birds chirping, trees and vast land and wild animals scattered across. It took some time to get used to, but when I did, it felt great.
If anyone remembers my last few blogs, I mentioned how I was going to community college (Parkland College) because of my insuccess with picking the right school for me. At the time, I was disheartened, and truthfully, I never really got over it. I was constantly envious of my fellow classmates who went on to other schools and enjoyed themselves, taking numerous pictures and making lots of statuses and tweets about their adventures at their respective institutions. There were times where I deleted my Twitter and Facebook apps from my phone because I would literally get sick from looking at it all the time. I literally felt like I was touched by King Midas.
Why be jealous you ask? Well, I literally made no friends. And that's totally my fault. I spent so much of the year in a shell, keeping to myself, quiet, just trying to do everything I can to make this year vanish so that it can be over and I can move on. I didn't care to introduce myself to anyone or ask to join any study sessions or anything. Honestly, I thought higher of myself. I went to Whitney Young. I did pretty well at Whitney Young. I did not belong here. I'm better than this. I deserve to be somewhere of my standards.
And what my foolish self couldn't understand at the time is that this was the perfect situation and place for me. Parkland was full of people like me. People who went to pretty good schools and got good grades but the college process didn't go too much in their favor. Throw in people who went through some personal struggles and even people who just got hit with a harsh sense of reality and had to get by for some time and you got a school full of Joshes. People who were just here for a short period of time until they got themselves together to move on and such. Exactly what I was trying to do. I met people who were servicemen and well into their 30s just trying to get started into a career. I met people who were family men who needed a degree to advance within their companies so that they could better provide for their family. I met people who had multiple tries at college and failed and this was their last go a around to complete their mission. These people, and many more, all humbled me. Before coming to a realization, I thought I was one of a kind. Technically, I still am, but there are many others who are just as similar and it made me a lot more comfortable to pursue my mission and adjust to my new setting. It didn't hurt that Parkland has a great curriculum with great teachers who are so genuine and caring that it inspired my love of learning to come back. Probably what helped me keep a 4.0 GPA for the entire school year.
However, despite all that, I still had times that I was absolute miserable. I remember a time where I made a ranting post on Facebook talking about how fed up I was with working, school, my messed up family situation and personal struggles. The beautiful people that you all are came to my support with tons of uplifting support and I am forever grateful for it. I really appreciated it but that's just how things were going for me. I was homesick. I thought about Chicago all the time. My friends, the food, the places, the feel. I missed it all. I thought about something Mr. Johnson, my 11th grade English teacher said to the class about leaving high school. He said that we wouldn't be in contact with 95% of the people we knew at the moment. Most of the class, including myself, scoffed at his claim. There's no way I would lose contact with all my people. I'd definitely make the effort to catch up every once in a while. Unfortunately, he was right. when I left, other than social media, I literally saw nor was in contact with more than three or four people. That's it. Even my best friend, Billy Fountain went off the map on me. The guy I talked to everyday and hung out with constantly. And I must say, out of everything, that hit me the hardest. Not having the one person who I always thought would be there for me. After numerous attempts to contact him, still no word. I gave up. Don't get me started on girls. I went a solid 0fer. From trying get with girls already in relationships and almost fighting one guy (I spared him from a full body cast I was ready for TLC with him) to trying to kindle flames that never existed to just being outright rejected. But that actually brings me laughter, because I clearly wasn't in my right mind with some of those decisions, so I will not take responsibility for it. So Estefania Espinoza if you read this please unblock me from Facebook. I didn't mean to message you on almost every night with nonsense. Well, I did, but just know I apologize. And to any of you who have had the same thoughts, I thank you for your patience.
Along with cold case friendships and lust, I've been mentally and physically drained this year. From having days where I'll get up at 5:30-6 a.m. to go to school and sit in class for hours trying to stay awake for a lecture on logs or english composition because of a long, late shift at work the night before. Some days I'd go to work and school on the same day. Now that was death. I legit never had a complete off day during the school year, it was a constant hustle and grind. I recall times where I would methodically miss classes that didn't require my presence on that day and go to the library and take a nap for that period because I was so sleep deprived from getting an average of four hours of sleep a day no matter what. I had a designated corner where I could kick my feet up and recline so I could get the rest I couldn't get when I should've. I've had days where I've been up almost an entire 24hrs, excluding an occasional nap. Other than that, those nights were spent restless. As for when I didn't work or have school, I was sleeping until 12 p.m. then watched TV for a few hours then napped for three hours then dillydallied for hours then ate something really unhealthy then went to sleep and repeated that same cycle. Yep, my life is really routine and complacent. And that's what makes it that much harder to deal with. I'm always wanting something different. A change. Excitement. It was lacking and I had no solutions.
I had truly experienced my dark days. But with darkness comes light. And that light was in the form of spurts of positivity, my family, my will to not be defeated and the prospect that at any moment I will become what I'm working towards. My sister, who is married to the coolest white guy in the world, has stabilized me. They both have been a rock whenever I needed them. Advice, humor, motivation and a presence that I very much needed. And I can't forget their two dogs, Joey and Blackjack, a small white Maltese breed and a big, barrel-chested Labrador respectively. As much as I can't stand their excitement as they bumrush me as I walk into the house after a long day of school, work or running errands, I look forward to it. These two literally don't care how I call them bad names for being shitty dogs for shitting/peeing in the house or bothering me or just sucking in general, they still love me. No matter what, with no judgment. Did I mention that our house is black and that we are the only black people within miles of where we live? Everything is irony. I mentioned how that as hard and tasking as my 1st school year was, I did still get a 4.0 GPA.
And although I get stressed out of this world from work and dealing with some of the outrageous things ever there like having a tweaker's baby touch my hair or cleaning poop turds off the bathroom floor or finding some guy nut all over the toilet seat or having a crack addict finesse me out of $20 by giving me a sob story and offering me a blowjob (I rejected the blowjob) or catching a man eating McDonald's in our electrical room, my bosses, associates and customers always acknowledge the effort I put in day in and day out. Walgreens may not be my dream job, but at the moment it is where I am and where I will bust my butt until further notice. Got a raise and offered a promotion too. That never hurts. I bought a fixed speed bike and I put the pedal to the medal all around town. I registered for a weight lifting class at school and was in the gym non stop trying to get stronger and more toned. Almost there. Soon I'll be lifting a 30lb weight with my index finger, it's coming just wait on it. During the start of the year, I decided to go natural, growing my hair out and just using natural hair products to keep my hair curly and long. I'm through year one and can't wait to see what it looks like in the future to come. My style has surely been revamped, thanks to the fact I have cash to fund my taste and I actually pick my own clothes now and not my acid wash jean wearing mom. I left Chicago with one pair of shoes. I now have 15, a diverse collection of Vans, Jordans, Nike SB's, New Balances, Puma's and more. I rock selvedge denim and clothes that actually fit just right, not too tight like those Levi 501's from freshmen year or that giant Carhartt coat in the Winter.
While I definitely am no stranger to spending money, I've done a great job saving my money. Along with my everyday spending account, I have a separate savings account, that I tell myself that doesn't exist so I don't touch it, that is in the four figures. I plan on buying a car in my near future. I actually bought Christmas presents last year and it felt great. And not small presents either, I'm talking presents that had me listening to Drake and J. Cole while sipping grape juice in retrospect if ball is life. I was in a position to help out people who helped me in the past and to do that felt good too.
Caught in the feeling of feeling myself, I decided to take a leap of faith and apply for a transfer to Florida State. It was a school I was very fond of and took one year transfers. I had done pretty good after one year of CC so I said why not? I took a shot. After months of anxious waiting, I finally got a decision. I got in. I was elated. I felt relieved. I felt good. Feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. I thought I found my out. I especially felt good because the entire summer was spent with me boasting how I was planning on leaving and gloating to all who came across me. My credibility needed it. I thought I knew my next move. Until I checked my financial aid. Nope. Wasn't going to happen. Out of about a $39,000 bill, I was only given $11,000 in aid, most in loans already. I was $29,000 short of my Florida dream and I was not willing to sign a lease with the devil without the promise of a 1972 Chevy Impala (famously driven in Supernatural by fictional character Sam and Dean Winchester), a lifetime supply of MLB caps and Jennifer Lawrence at my disposable. But even then that would still be in negotiations. I went into defeat. Right back into that slump I fought so hard to climb out of.
However, after giving myself ample enough time to cope with the hit, I got back up. I realized that just getting up and going far away from my comfort zone with no preparation wasn't a smart move anyway. Like how was I going to survive in a brand new state, with just a meager savings and no knowledge of the area and no one of familiarity around me. I thought I was setting myself up with exactly what I've been thirsting for. But in reality, I was setting myself to jump back into misery. I wasn't ready to make that jump just yet. I needed a little more time. So yesterday, I informed FSU that I declined admission and would come back to Parkland. As much to my dismay, I knew I made the right decision. Better to be ahead than lose my head.
Now, it is about 4:19 a.m. I have written an entirely too long post that most of you either won't finish or skim through or just say forget it all together. I couldn't help it. After a year hiatus, I just let the stream do it's part. Ultimately, this year has been just want I needed. I needed to reestablish my humility, my hunger, my drive. Without those, what am I? Nothing. I become? Nothing. This was part two of my development into adulthood, which started way earlier than I wish it had. More struggles and tribulations means more strength. I can take anything, whether I believe I can or not. I've been through the worst, everything else is cake. Preview: This upcoming year, I will be doing exactly what I did last year; grinding, hustling and living. Another 4.0 is in the works and more saving are to come. In addition to the given, I will make a more concerted effort to befriend people to make up for the hole that exists now and I will go back to hobbies that gave me peace of mind before like comic book reading, blogging, video gaming, goofing around, etc. Just going to let my humanity exist and do my best to make sure it never bests me. After all "If you're a man, you don't cry about it. You take life's ups and downs. If you're a real man, you never go down you just stay up."-Ric Flair
Audi 5000
Deuce
