"I'LL ALWAYS LOVE MY MAMA, CUZ SHE'S MY FAVORITE GIRLLLLLLLLLLLLL" Truth if I ever heard it (sorry side dips). A little Intruders early in the a.m. keeps my soul healthy. Y'all don't know anything about this so don't even pretend. Today being Mother's Day has put me in the mood to listen to songs about moms. And in turn that makes me think about my mom.
I LOVE MY MAMA SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH AND IF YOU THINK YOU LOVE YOUR MAMA MORE THAN I LOVE MINE WE MIGHT HAVE TO THROW HANDS UNTIL THE DEATH.
Alright, I had my moment. Back to the script. I really love my mom. I can't even explain it. It's one of those things that I think about and it's one of the most sure things in my life. I'm definitely not the only one who feels like that (hopefully) and it makes me even happier. I love when people appreciate their mother. Whether we want to believe it or not, having kids is an extremely hard job. Personally, I can footwork in the morning everyday at the fact that I don't have to give birth. If you've been in SexEd, you've seen the in-depth process at that and for that alone they mom's should receive props. I make sure to give my mom props everyday, whether it's a thank you for food she cooked or brought home, to buying me something and having it waiting on me when I get home (one of the best feelings) or just a hug just cause. What I really appreciate is when I'm in a slump, my mother would notice it instantly and remind me that I have a purpose and to stay up as I usually do. That's rejuvenation for me. My mother does it best.
For a little background on my mother Pamela Berry, she's from Alabama, Jefferson County I believe. She moved to Chicago when she was in grammar school, to the block of 67th and Carpenter (my mom and I actually live in the house directly in front of where her old home stood, which we also lived in when I was younger). My mom had 7 siblings, just 1 short of the amount I have. After the departure of the two oldest uncles, it was clear my mother already had motherly instincts in her. She watched over her younger siblings a lot, cooked, cleaned, and everything else. One story mom particularly tells all the time is when she was a teenager and my grandfather and grandmother left cookies on the table and told them to not eat them or they would be punished. My mother watched over those cookies closely while my grandparents were away, making sure none of her busybody younger siblings took one. My grandfather came home and punished all the older siblings including my mom anyway. His reasoning? The cookies were moved. My mom never got over that and honestly, it's a funny yet harsh story.
Fast forward to my mom's senior year in high school. She gets pregnant with my oldest sister Sheree and soon gets married. That's when the legend of Pam began. My mom soon had 8 more kids, most within two year spans until you get toward my older brother and little sister. Yeah, we were a mess. From my brother Rashin hitting my brother Marciano with a hammer playing Power Rangers to my brother Matt framing me for a bathroom mishap by shitting on the floor and blaming me, we knew how to keep her busy. But oh believe me, my mother wasn't a pushover. She was a strict authoritarian parent. Whatever she demanded, had to be done, or there were swift consequences. There was no talking back, your opinion was often disregarded, and there were very high standards for the way we carried ourselves and school. Now that I think about it, I've said "Yes ma'am" more than I've ever said my name. We rarely were ever let off the block to go play in fear that we may fall victim to violence or abduction .The house always had to be clean as well. I remember times where my mom would call the house to check in on us and tell us she was coming home from work soon and we would get in a cleaning frenzy. We knew a dirty home was unacceptable to her and was a high crime.
As much as my siblings and I despised the way things were, it made us, from my judgment, really good people. My mother was trying to raise us right. She was trying to instill respect, organization and righteousness in us. Growing up in Englewood, not many kids were as privileged to have a mother who cared as much as ours. None of us are in prison, addicted to drugs, bums, idle or dead. My brothers and sisters and I all know people who are in prison, homeless, in foster homes and/or are staying with relatives. I know the importance of having an active mom. Someone for care and comfort and to keep a foot in your ass every once in a while, only to keep you on the right path. My siblings and I really didn't have active fathers in our lives so all we had to depend on was ourselves and our mother. My mother played the dual parent role as well as anyone else. She would kick us in the chest then hand us a bag of frozen vegetables to take down the swelling. She was tough when she needed to and kind when we called for it. There was always a good equilibrium.
Now I know that college is around the corner for seniors like me and tensions are getting a little high with that in mind. I always hear about how people can't wait to leave their homes, either to get a break from the respective parenting or just to start a new experience. I don't agree with that. Why are so many ready to away from the people who love them probably more than anyone else? Do you really have a grudge because your mom made you stay crib-bound on the nights of a few parties, or didn't get you that one thing you wanted or got on you about a sub-par grade you got when you knew you were getting your crap together? Look guys, I understand that parents can be pretty overprotective, unreasonable, tormenting, and a bunch of other adjectives that I don't feel like writing. But also understand, that they won't be here forever. You have to love and appreciate the people you care about while they are here because you won't always have the chance to, too many people take that for granted. In today's society, a mom can be kissing her son or daughter on the forehead/cheek for the last time and wouldn't know it. Hell, you could be kissed by your mom for the last time and wouldn't know it. Ponder that. Using the violence in Chicago and other violent cities along with the Sandy Hook incident as images, you will never know when the physical presence of a loved one will be missing. I remember my friend Layton telling me about how his mom died when he was little and how it affected his attitude towards a lot of things. Then it made me think about all my other friends who lost their mother or have had their mothers strung out on drugs. It's disheartening. I can't ever imagine myself without my mother and it brings me to tears that one day she will leave me. Almost unfair.
While we always seem to focus on how they give us grief, let's not forget the happiness and smiles they are responsible for. Those Christmas gifts that you thought they would never buy you but they got you. Those birthday presents that were waiting for you when you got home from school along with a personalized cake and you favorite meal. Those times where you were upset or hurt and your parents swooped in to the rescue faster than the man who's a speeding bullet himself. I remember one time I was in the backyard playing catch with some of my friends and a ball hit me right in the mouth. Blood was everywhere. Of course I went crying to my mom, it was only right. My mom saw me in distress and grabbed whatever cloth was near her, which just so happened to be one of her favorite shirts. My mom used her favorite shirt to clean gushing blood from my mouth, that's love for sure. I still have that bent back tooth from that day and when I brush my teeth, it serves as a constant reminder of her sacrificing something she cherished for me.
Think about those times where you were in huge jams that almost seemed unshakable, to you of course. The OG's always know a way. It may seem like they don't see your side of things, it's really that through their experience, they are just trying to show you something that is proven to work. My mom knows how to work almost any situation until it is in my favor. When I get in trouble, my mom would take my side and go for bat for me until she couldn't anymore. My mom made sure I was taken care of and I got what I deserved, whether it was a prize or an ass beating. On my 8th grade graduation day, it was unclear whether I was going to be the valedictorian because I was disciplined by the school a lot that year even though my grades were the best. My mom went down to the school early and caused a huge commotion in the office until she got someone to tell her whether I got the honor or not. My mom left angry, she came back with a sneaky smile. I came back with a big ass trophy. Owe it to my mom.
Moms generally want you to have the best in life, I know for sure my mom does. My mom always told me when I was little I was one of the few people who could do anything I wanted to, if I wanted to do it. She also told me numerous times that I would take care of her when I got older because I would have plenty of money. The fact that she has so much faith in me just wants me to never quit. That along with my intrinsic motivation within will never allow me to be inadequate and just somebody else. I have to maximize whatever I have in me so that when I get older I can actually take care of her better than she did for me, hard as that sounds because I don't think what I can do for her can equal what she did for me. In relation to my blog yesterday about my college process, you can now understand how I feel. I don't want to disappoint my mother. It seemed for a while all that she done for me and taught me was in vain because my future wasn't exactly what we both expected. Then it made me reminisce. My mother had hopes and dreams, just like everyone else. She gave those up or altered them when she had nine kids, while she was very well still one, although quite mature then. My mother didn't work long, hard, crap jobs for almost 30 years to not see me become what she worked even longer and harder to craft. I told my mom when I was five I wanted to rule the world and at 18 I still want to do exactly that. It's only fair that I do that, for all that she has done, fought through and done for me.
To close, even though me and my mom haven't had the best relationship throughout our lives, I wouldn't ask for one any different. She raised me to be an honorable, respectful, handsome, intelligent young man I present myself everyday. For that I am forever grateful. Now, I'm not telling you that you have to love your mother because I don't know everyone's situation. I understand that sometime's blood is just blood and nothing more. But in the respect of today, love her anyway. Treat her like the queen she truly is. I'm not gonna hit you with the "Why isn't everyday Mother's Day" but I will say if my future goes as planned, everyday I live will be dedicated to her. Love you ma! I now leave you with musical selections regarding what else? Mothers. Also, for everyone who sent me pics, I will take you back memory lane. Stay classy.
Wow, it's been a while since I made a post. I know I said I was gonna make a post every week but I got a little preoccupied with a lot of things. My apologies. I'm back now. My topic today is COLLEGE. *cues music* DUN DUNDUNDUN DUNDUNNNNNNN DUN DUNDUN DUNDUNNNNNNNNNN DUNNNNNDUNNNNDUNNNN DUNNNNNDUNNNN DUNNNNNNNN. College, for some people, is the next developmental stage in both your education, as you are sure to broaden your horizons of learning and your life, as you are getting more mature and independent, getting ready to be lone wolf in the wild.
May 1st was the deadline most students were given to make their admission deposits to secure their spot in a college/university. Many people were extremely excited to share what university they chose and how they can't wait to be there and others around them rejoiced with equable emotion. For me, that deadline came and passed like any other day. I didn't pick a college. Honestly, I couldn't pick a college. While other people are looking for roommates and are picking classes and going on orientations for their selected schools, I'm doing something that isn't that. And personally, I felt left out. I was looking forward to being able to pick a college and join in on all the fun like everyone else, but I couldn't and for a while it hurt a lot.
Now to answer "Why was I not able to pick a college?". I'll take your through my entire college process. Truthfully, I didn't have an organized college process. I remember my junior year all I heard from my counselors and teachers was to do research on schools and visit schools and ask questions to get a head start on the process. I did the very minimum on each, not going thoroughly in-depth into every school that interested me to get a better glimpse if fit me. When it came down to picking colleges, I feel victim to the "name-brand" generalization. A few of the schools I applied to were top notch universities (Georgetown, Cal-Berkeley, USC, UCLA (just in case I didn't get into USC) and I feel like an absolute goofy for applying to each. I didn't get into any of them. Not only did it not occur to me that those four are extremely hard to get into (Cal-Berkeley and UCLA are two of the hardest public universities to get into for an out-of-state resident). Georgetown and USC are by far my favorite schools and still are. I feel in love with Georgetown through their basketball team, coached by legendary John Thompson, Jr (now coached by his son JTIII). My sister Marquita was a huge basketball fan, especially college basketball. We watched many games together, mostly during tournament time and it was evident early that I feel in love with the Hoyas. From there, I fell in love with everything else about GTown, the culture, academics, history, the fact that they are almost a direct pipeline to the FBI (I always wanted to shoot someone in the butt and just flash my badass badge). Almost the same story with USC. I fell in love with their football team and especially Pete Carroll, the then-time coach who not only brought lots of success to the program but helped out young black men in the South Central LA district and I admired that. As I look deep into my heart however, I notice that I mostly applied to these schools I had no chance at because they were in far away places I wanted to be in (California and Washington, D.C.) and I wanted to see if one school would take a chance on a struggling, upcoming, young, black male from Englewood (aka affirmative action GASPS). Yeah yeah yeah. Label me ignorant, opportunistic, and silly but I would not have cared for your opinion of what you thought was right if one of those schools did roll the dice with me and accept me. I know the type of person I am and so do many of you. I know I could make myself worthy of being in a such a position. But back to reality, the cards didn't shake out that way.
With every other school I applied to, I believe University of Illinois-Champaign-Urbana was the only school I wanted to go to and even then, my mother wanted me to apply their because my sister lives in Urbana and is getting her Ph.D. once she finishes and defends her thesis in months to come. I've been on the campus numerous times, almost like I live there since I visit my sister often. Even then, I applied to their business school because that's what I want to major in and UIUC has a good business program. My mistake here was "good" wasn't the right word to describe it. It was "phenomenal". Little do people know UofI has the 14th best Business school in the entire nation according to one poll, better than most Ivy League schools. I didn't know that and I was shot down into a school I know I easily could've gotten into had I not applied to the business program. This was huge because UIUC was my fallback school. I made the mistake of not applying to any school in Chicago because I didn't want to be so close to home. What about the remaining schools you guys ask? Well, I only applied to schools that were offering merit-scholarships and free application fees. My family was going through a little financial trouble and another significant event (I'll let you guys know about it in a blog during the last week of school). I didn't want to pile up a bunch of fees on my mother and older siblings, so I just made it easy and applied to a lot of schools that waived application fees. All of those schools accepted me. All gave me scholarships as well. As successful as that sounds, it was just as heartbreaking. I'll take you down the list.
Drexel-$32,000 in scholarships and grants ($65,000 in tuition+room and board)
Howard-$10,000 in scholarships and grants ($45,000 in tuition not including room and board)
Butler-$25,000 in scholarships and grants ($49,000 in tuition not including room and board)
Dayton-$27,000 in scholarships and grants ($46,000 in tuition not including room and board)
Xavier-$30,000 in scholarships and grants ($44,000 in tuition not including room and board)
Indiana U-accepted me but did not notify me of financial reward online or through mail so they get the double middle fingers
So, on average, I was gonna be $100,000 in debt by the time I finished a 4-year degree in college not accounting if I wanted to pursue graduate school. I understand that very few people leave college without any debt but without being assured a job once I completed school and considering I didn't feel strong about any of those schools, it would be foolish of me to take on that much debt and possibly be unhappy.
Now you ask "Why didn't you apply for any scholarships?" Your better off making a judgement for yourself than asking me because I don't know. I messed up their. Had I been proactive in this department, a lot of the debt I was recently worried about could've dwindled significantly. I've been dealing with a lot this year, from family issues to personal issues to not tweaking in school so I can graduate. Applying for scholarships just didn't enter my mind. That's not an excuse though. Regardless of what I was going through, I should have been applying for every scholarship I qualified for. Shit is real out here.
April 30th and May 1st were probably the two of the three most stressful days of 2013 for me. Surrounded by so much instability and uncertainty, other than having to go to school those days, you were sure to find me sitting on the couch with a disappointed face. I've spoken to many on the topic, most telling me to do what's best for me which doesn't help any because I don't know what to do. Then there are the people who want me to go off and disregard the debt and get a new surrounding. Then you have those headed by my mom who wants me to stay home and go to community college.
The fact that things have gotten to the point where community college and staying at home was my best option hit me hard. I know I didn't mess up in school to where I had to and I know I worked way too hard to where that was the best I could do. To be honest, my view of community college wasn't positive, I stereotyped the people that went there unfairly. It's just, how could I tell people I'm going to community college when there are people going to Ivy Leagues, Howard, Northwestern, UIUC, NYU, USC and etc. I ran into my ex-girlfriend one day (who got into UofChicago, Yale, Brown, Princeton UPenn and Harvard) and asked her what school she's going to. She told me Brown, an Ivy League school. Before she could ask me where I was going, I got the hell out of dodge. I instantly felt below her. How could I show my face? How could I have any credibility? While other people are going away and getting the full college experience, I'll basically be in the same spot.
What disappoints me the most is that I won't be getting away like I hoped. Right now, things are crazy in Chicago. There violence is spiraling and it is claiming the lives of many youth, most recently 19 year old Kevin Ambrose (RIP). Negative thoughts filled my brain, such as if I will ever see success, will I be a failure, did I disappoint my family, will I make it to 21. I also thought about how my mother is moving to Urbana, Illinois and wants me to join her. Even after all I said about Chicago's violence, crime and Englewood's poverty and destruction, this is my home. I would not have wanted to grow up any other way than how I did. I grew up humbly and in a dangerous environment, but I cherish every experience that I have and lesson I learned while living the way I have. In retrospect, it wasn't even too bad. The problem now is not having my mother see me in mahogany. Of course, the move from Chicago will stop that from happening, but it will also take me from Chicago. Chicago is still very much a beautiful and entertaining place and I'm just not ready to leave, even with my life on the line. I have no say in when I die and I've been through experiences that make me not afraid to come across it. If I gotta die, so be it, but I won't die afraid. Not in my city, not in my home.
After much meditation, lone walks, thought, talk with friends and family, and lots of pick-up basketball, I find myself in a much better state than a week ago. I feel much more relaxed, healthy mindset, the one I was in before things piled up on me. I've accepted things I couldn't change and things look more clearer. I have decided to go to community college and I won't be ashamed of it. It's extremely cheap, I'll still be doing something with myself and if I grind like I plan to, I should be in the college of my choice in two years with an Associate's degree in my possession. I spent so much time judging myself compared to others that it was getting me down. I have to realize that I can still go where I want and be what I want, I'm just taking an alternate route. Sucks I'm not super athletic or have musical talent because I guarantee you you'd see me doing that as opposed to still being in school. But that's not how it is. Going to school is my way to the top. That's how I'll be on the top floor of a building in a suit with a glass of Hennessy and a cigar looking out into the city. I just have to stay focused and never get discouraged. I know in time, I'll get there.
Now for you underclassmen here's a guide to not be put in the same situation as me
1. Keep good grades.
Don't tweak. Turn in those projects. Do homework. Actually READ books. Be prepared. Don't foop on tests. I can't be any more clear. And it's not that hard, trust me, I been through it.
2. Research!
Obviously my biggest mistake of the college process. Before deciding on a school to apply to, research it. Analyze (Ode to Ms. Graf how I miss you so!) Look at whether it is public or private. How many students go there? What majors does it offer? What city/state is it in? Do research on that city/state. Is it safe? Is it an affordable place to live once you finish school? The economics? Job? Is it diverse? Hit up students who go there on social media sites to see how they like it and an insider to how classes are instructed, what is expected and the culture around the university/college. Know what you are getting into.
3. Visit schools
I didn't have the luxury of visiting a lot of schools but I wish I had. On days off, free weekends or during seasonal breaks, go on college visits. No better way to get an answer than from the source. Get a glimpse of the environment, sit in a class, talk to students and graduates up close. Take in the scenery. Get first-hand experience. Look at the dorms. Does it look feel like a place you wanna spend four years at?
4. Visit you counselors often
I visited my counselor Ms. Welstein almost twice a week. She answered my every question, helped me out when I was lost, let me in on scholarship opportunities and seminars on FAFSA, college visits, whatever. She was extremely helpful to me during my college process and I'm sure others feel the same about their counselors. They are there for a reason.
5. Adhere to deadlines
If a college gives you a Nov 1st or January 15th deadline, make sure your app is done by then. I know it is easy to get lackadaisical and procrastinate because you think you have ample time to complete it. But just like that English paper or Biology project you forgot about, it's due and you gotta get it done. Word of advice, have your app done weeks in advance, with transcripts and ACT/SAT scores sent in advance so there is no worry. You don't want to miss out on a school because you ran out of time.
6. Apply to scholarships
Everyone could use a little money, even if you have enough already. More doesn't hurt. Not many people get full rides to college and if you are one of the lucky few who do/did, congratulations. To everyone else, start looking for ways to pay for college. Want to know what's better than spending YOUR money? Spending other people's money of course. Take advantage of every opportunity out there for you to be as less financially stressed as you can possibly be while you attend college and get closer to your career.
7. Don't be anxious
While you are waiting for admittance letters, remember you still have other things to do like live. So you can take your hand out the mailbox and go ride a bike or something.
8. Admittance/Rejection
Probably one of the most rewarding or disappointing moments of the college process: finding out whether you got in your dream school or not. I'll let you in on something. Usually, if you got into a school, you'll get a packet with your letter of admittance, financial info, booklet, deposit statement etc. If you just get a flimsy letter, be ready to toss it. In the case of rejection, remember, that's just one school, and no matter how you felt about it, you will have other options. Chill.
9. Weigh everything out
Once you have your acceptances, weigh your options. Rank them. Make a Microsoft Excel Spreadsheet with tuition costs and scholarships broken down to a science to get a better visual. Which do you feel the strongest about? Which do your parents feel safer about you attending. Which is cheaper? Unfortunately, the latter is usually the determiner. But I believe in making the right choice for yourself. If you don't mind a little debt and you're confident your career will help you pay it off, shoot.
10. Make your decision and be proud
If you are going to your dream school, rejoice. If you aren't but you're still going to a school, still rejoice. Don't feel bad because someone is going to Harvard and you're going to IIT. Them going to Harvard doesn't guarantee them a more successful career, a better job (or an assured one at that), a better looking spouse, nothing. Wherever someone starts doesn't necessarily mean they will stay there either. Worry about yourself and be proud. You've made it a long way and it's going to pay off soon. Keep chuggin' along.
11. TURNAHHHHHHHH!
Welp, I've gotten all I've got to say out. I now leave you with a couple songs from my homies Terry Johnson (UIC man), Jakori and Alex Smith and Flwaless. Enjoy and thank you.
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